Mental Health Programs: My Experience
Photo from Vitaly Gariev via Pexels.
I realize that the topic of mental health facilities and what goes on in them is not openly known. What I hope can happen from writing this is to have other mental health experiences be shared and openly talked about. Talking makes people feel less alone, that they are not a waste of energy, and to keep going. I was inspired to write this after reading the book, Boy Meets Depression by Kevin Breel, because of how similar I felt within his words. I write about my childhood years, hardships, and my mental health groups. If any of what I write is relatable, please reach out to your peers, school social workers, our school’s peer leaders, and/or any trusted adults.
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I knew that people struggled mentally in elementary school, and I knew that I was different then the other kids socially. But I didn’t know that I was struggling—until I got help. A few years ago at a doctor’s visit, I had stated that I was struggling with suicidal thoughts. I was reductively given support from my family even though they did not understand what depression was or even what I was going through. When I was in middle school, I had no friends and it felt normal. Middle school was the worst years of your life, but it could have been better with someone else there. You don’t see the people you have to help you when you feel like you’re taking up space, instead not really having a reason for being there. It was normal for me to go weeks zoning out, letting my eyes glaze over, not paying attention in school. I’d often forget little things. I assumed that everyone knew how it felt to be numb, so learning over time that I could find support was new to me.
Unintentionally, I started to skip breakfast, which turned into skipping lunch as well. I just didn’t feel hungry. When someone starts to not eat enough, the hunger cue doesn’t tell them that they need to eat. People can then binge eat because of hunger, oftentimes feeling guilty because of it. If they then start eating more after, it can cause nausea, headaches, and stomach issues. This is still a main struggle for me, but some days are better than others.
My early life had its problems for sure, while stressors continued building on top of each other into high school. Recently I feel like I am expected to know exactly what college I want to go to, how I have to pay for it, get good grades, work 24/7, and somehow have enough energy for my clubs that I have every day after school. Senior year has been fun for me, but has taken a huge toll on my mental health. I tend to not find balance and try to push through till burn out. I find writing and clubs to be an escape from some of the excessive anxiety. I look forward to marching band, Synergy Combo, jazz, drama, writing, and drawing. In a way, staying busy with these has saved my life, as well as the incredible people in them. I met my very first connections and friends there, which means so much to me.
However, within the first month of this school year, things started getting worse. I would cut my hair, eat less, and continue unhealthy coping mechanisms to have some sort of control in my life. I was then admitted to an out-patient mental health program. For a month I went to school as normal for first and second hour, but in the middle of my third hour I would have to leave class to go to the program. I wasn’t driving myself to school because I was worried if I zoned out I would be unsafe, so my father would stop his work to come and take me to the program. During those weeks I was only excited to see my dog in the car when my father would take me. It was around a 30 minute drive from school and I’d have to eat a lunch, or lack thereof, on the drive there.
The first day I surprisingly had no feelings, no intense worry of what I would have to do or the program itself. I was a little nervous, but also excited that I would be able to get more extensive help. On my first day I completed a pile of forms showing that I was there voluntarily. I was then able to leave the waiting room with my primary doctor who would help me with overall things during the day. We walked into an office where she would explain the safety protocols and what my day would look like. She told me that every door was unlocked from the inside but locked from the outside, needing the badge to enter. I was told that I would require a staff member to walk with me to any area that I needed to go to. The staff would put their foot in the door of the restroom to make sure patients were safe. Knowing this, I didn’t use the restroom for the first weeks because it was new to me.
Next, I would do safety checks every day before going into the group room to learn skills. This entailed shaking my pants, hoodies, and clothing, brushing over my arms, rolling my sleeves up, taking two fingers and running it around the waist band. I would have to cover up my school name or my last name if it was on my shirt for the safety and privacy of my identity. There was an intro and exit sheet that I would do every day. It entailed my mood, if I had any safety concerns, and a goal for the day. It was surprisingly very much on my own accord what we worked on and they made that known. I was then told I was the only patient there so far because of the new building, so I would attend everything with no other patients around.
Throughout the day, I had multiple people I would see. They would all work together with me on different topics. The primary therapist acted like a standard therapist to sit and chat about how things were going. I had about six group therapists that would teach coping skills for everyday life. A teacher would check up once in a while about assignments that I was missing in school, and I was able to use some time there to finish these assignments. There was an art therapist, which was one of my favorite things. It taught how people can express emotions through art, as well as using drawing to regulate.
I also had exposure therapy times, where two staff helped me draw up a list of my social anxiety triggers and what situations I avoid. We then would work up slowly with the list we created, the first exposure was writing three things about me on the board and having random employees ask about those topics. I will fully admit that I completely bawled my eyes out after this exposure. It was my first one and this one lady fully sat down while I pretended to care what she was talking about. But the next exposure day we did the same thing, and it was so much easier because I did it before. The hardest thing that I had to do was walking into people’s offices and striking up a conversation with them. I really struggled with this. I usually asked if they had any pets or not, but more often than not I just said hi and left because I blanked on a topic of what to say.
Finally, I had a doctor who would update and work with my multiple medications, seeing if they were a right fit. She later on recommended the GeneSite testing, which is a test that shows what medications would be a better fit for me. We learned that my body would process the medications more slowly, so we found a better one for my body and I now take them at night.
The schedule was basically a school day focusing on my mental health. I would sign in, go to the room to learn skills for two hours, do my intro sheet, then for the last hour I would go to art therapy. I really enjoyed the last hour. In one instand we 4x4 breathed and drew the box as we were doing it, then decorated the boxes that were layered on top of each other into whatever patterns we wanted. In anothere, we created a story of some topic that was tough for me. I wrote about four worms that were friends. One worm would invade the other one’s space and it was uncomfortable for the worm. It ended showing what the worm could speak to help express its uncomfortableness and what to do better. The staff told me that people are not always going to listen, but starting by stating whatever is not right for you brings at least awareness of the issue.
The specialists were really impactful to me. They would let me get out my emotions when I was having a tough time talking on topics. Mainly anytime they talked about nutrition and eating I would have tears running down with no emotion on my face. It was normal to cry there and I could regulate myself, instead of someone swooping in to demand what was wrong. The specialists were not allowed to have any physical contact with the patients, and I loved this rule. My space is my space; I usually seem stuck up because of how I follow this own rule for myself, but it’s just basic respect and comfort to me. I only let my closer friends be closer in proximity to me because I know their intentions are not harmful and I know them better. Knowing this, I felt comfortable within the building at all times. The program taught me how to not rely on harmful coping mechanisms and how to address my energy in better ways. Some of those strategies included holding ice, cold water, or creating a distraction or tensing the body and letting go feeling the pressure release.
Eventually, more people started trickling into the program—some full day, some part day like me. There were a variety of personalities and it was kind of nice seeing people, finally getting the spotlight off me. A meaningful time is when we would have group therapy. We’d talk about our experiences, our struggles, things we could relate to, and things that helped us. It made me feel less alone and I could relate to some struggles. And even if I didn’t I could get more insight of what people are going through, I felt like I was studying everyone there instead of being the patient. I saw small changes in voice, or if they didn’t talk that day. This showed me more about myself than other people, needing to constantly read people and assume accurately or inaccurately how they are feeling.
At the end of my program, I received a keychain. All the patients and people I worked with there picked a charm and they made a small gesture. The keychain shows the people who helped me, directly or indirectly, and how I hope they will heal from their own traumas. I’ll probably never see them again, but knowing I see their life as important shows the same in me.
People at school started noticing my absence within the month. They would ask my friends where I was and they were not aware either. I eventually told one close friend, who understood and gave me rides when I felt I needed them. I am so grateful for them and owe them so many thanks for being an amazing person and friend. But other than that, I did not tell anyone where I was; if they asked, I’d say college or make up random lies. For my clubs like marching band, I would tell people that needed to be in contact with me that I would not be available to text and to contact one of the two upperclassmen of my section if needed. I informed the two people about this before with no reasoning as to why but they were still very helpful. I was prepared for not being there, but it was still hard not being able to be in contact with people in my section as the section leader. I had to hope that everything would be okay without me there and make peace that I couldn’t be there for that time. Throughout the year they truly did amazing and I made sure to mention it whenever I could. It still was hard being positive to everyone, but being kind is true for my identity. They thanked me after our season was over and I took it to heart. Even with having a huge mental struggle during that time, it meant that I did a good job at creating a safe space, and continuing to teach for my passion to be shared.
Sometimes I miss the intense amount of support I got there, but not the stress of completing my school work in the meantime. I was going to school and the program, and either working or leading my section in marching band right after. Then I was catching up on third and fourth hour classwork, as well as other classes’ homework I had. It’s safe to say I couldn’t catch a break. I worked to catch up by taking notes everyday and studying alone. When I got back to full days at school, it felt like I was just thrown resources to use to catch up on that class and needed to just get back into it full time. It was overwhelming just needing to look at what I needed to turn in to get my grade back up, while getting used to full days. I am still working on catching up, while trying to have the motivation to continue to work in the current assignments.
I’ve been on and off driving since then and there have been many more hardships, but I can put what I learned into practice now. Overall I think the mental health program was all positives and truly helped me learn from situations that I wasn’t open to looking at before.
Just writing about what you should do if you are struggling is helpful, but I think personal stories like this create a comfort that other people feel and go through similar things. An important note to understand is that if someone has gone to these programs, it doesn’t mean they are finally fixed or healed completely. It is essentially a mental health pick-me-up to learn how to begin living healthily. Improving my mental health is still very challenging, but in moments when I’m doing things I enjoy, I am fulfilled. I don’t want to miss out on this horrid, beautiful life.
Thank you to my counselor Mr. Johnson, Synergy, the band programs, and of course my amazing friends for keeping me alive. Huge thanks to AR, GQ, MG, ER, SD, RC, LB, CZ. Your life is worth living.
