Suicide is Selfish
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Editor’s note: It is the policy of Charger Press to not publish content anonymously; we have not deviated from this policy until now. To protect the identity and mental health of this current, Hamilton High School student, this specific piece is being published without a listed author.
One year ago, I unsuccessfully attempted suicide.
I went to a hospital for over a month, got medicated, went to all sorts of therapy, and spent a lot of time trying to understand what had happened. But somehow, one of the hardest questions I was asked had nothing to do with treatment.
I was asked if I thought what I did was selfish.
Today, I finally have my answer: yes.
Yes, in some ways, it was selfish. I was hoping to escape my pain. I wasn’t thinking about the consequences or the repercussions my actions would have on the people around me. At the time, I didn’t care about them.
But the problem is that we reduce suicide to the word “selfish.” And when we do that, we completely overlook what the person was actually going through.
The perspective of selfishness almost always comes from the people left on the outside of the experience. The word “selfish” in this context is almost always a thought from someone who was not in the position of the person experiencing it.
When I thought there was nothing left but to die, it was a genuine thought that life would be better for those around me when I was gone.
I was wrong.
(This is never true. You are always someone’s person, even when you feel the most alone.)
But that doesn’t mean the thought wasn’t real to me at the time.
Saying suicide is selfish might describe the pain experienced by the person left behind, but it doesn’t always explain the pain experienced by the person who felt they had no other way out.
If you still truly believe suicide is selfish in all aspects, I urge you to take yourself out of the equation. Don’t wait until someone is gone to wonder if their actions were selfish.
Check on the people around you.
Ask someone if they’re really okay.
Pay attention when someone’s behavior changes.
Report unsafe behavior.
Be someone’s person.
And most importantly, never be uncomfortable talking about suicide.
Talk to someone about suicide instead of losing someone to it.
Resources:
988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline
Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a trained crisis counselor.
https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/warning-signs-of-suicide
